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I haven’t packed my bag. I am procrastinating. I am. okay, I should start today. I will try. Hahah.

STOP EATING.

STOP EATING. STOP.

Why.

I have been on a seriously lazy mode. I have been slacking till shit happens man. It’s damn nice to just have nothing to do. No ambition, no drive, no focus, no goal in life. Just chill-laxing everyday makes life great! Yeah right. See how long more you can last.

Went for dinner at Shabu Shabu Gen for the night. Japanese veggies cost a crazy 160bucks. Just one pot of vegetables flown from the land of the rising sun. Wow. Plus my mum ordered 3 pieces of beef for like 30dollars a piece. Just like that and the bill was 260 for three of us. There wasn’t even any toro sashimi to talk about. ): I haven’t eaten toro fish yet!! I must eat it before I leave.

You have important resolutions. Mine is simple. It’s to fulfill 3 stupid things before I leave. Eat loads of durians, have sharks fin and birds nest before I go.

Pastor Joe and family are coming back this sunday for two weeks. Looking forward to seeing Zoe and everyone. They are such a great family. A blessing to be with. I pray that God will continue to look after them as He has been. I sooooo want Ps Joe pastoring back in Riverlife Church and it’s just my wish that it’ll actually happen. I mean, who knows right. The world is so small anyway.

Alright world. Good night. No, actually back to my frivolous watching of random drama shows. Stuck on Housewives Holiday. Great.

Bye!

How to be organised????

I’m down to my last two hundred rupees of calling time on my phone. That’s about 6.70 bucks. I need to top up.

Why am I here, I don’t know.

I have made a conclusion. While the lady in front was praying for the little kids at VBS, it suddenly struck me so hard. I don’t know if it’s from you God, but help me set my priorities right. I don’t want to lose focus since distractions are aplenty.

Anyway.

Patience and Love. That’s what I need. I need to be patient, just as I want people to be patient with me. I want to genuinely love people, as I want them to be sincere.

The netball team left last saturday. I do miss them. Thank God for two nice people- Eugene and Abel over here. Two very opposite people. It’s really strange to see them do their own thing. Haha.

Back on 10 may, heading to London on the 24th. I’m definitely looking forward to Europe.

Chilled out in the room for a while, Eugene helped to clear my C drive. Really appreciated. Took the van to Westside mall for shopping with Ps Joe Ong and family. Then headed over to GVK 1 for more shopping and to eat dinner at Hard Rock Cafe. Ate so much I feel like puking.

Okay this is very narrative because, I don’t have the mood to write though I have emotions and feelings to pen down. But anyway, maybe tomorrow or so. Goodnight every

the good guy always fails and the bad ones have it all.

I’m stuck on the red mattress, at 12am, in India, Hyderabad, with 32% of laptop battery left.

Crashed, crushed, broken again and again and again. I’m feeling that the world’s against me. I hate it. I hate myself. I really do. It’s this whole emotional thing that makes me want to end everything. I’m just not good enough. I am lousy. I am bad, gross, mean and incapable of anything good.

Oh well. Lord please be gracious because we will see beyond this whole thing and have complete faith in you. Thank You.

Everyone’s scaring me about the india trip, saying that I have to prepare for mosquitoes and the smell. Haha. I heard it just hits you like a ton of bricks. Can be quite unbearable. Whatever lah. Just go there and deal with it. Who knows. Maybe I don’t wanna come back even.

The first week I’ll be with the netball team. It’d be cool I guess. 4 other ladies, all not married except for one. The second week I’ll probably be following Eugene and Abel around. Hope it’d be smooth. The third week would be free and easy when my mum comes. All I have to do is take lots of pictures and help out when needed.

I’m most afraid for the first week. I wished Weiwei was going since she’s a netball pro. I hardly know the game well enough and we are going there to coach 20 teachers how to play netball!! I’m doing the rules part and setting questions on netball rules. Omgz. I totally need to read up more.

Anyway, thinking of whether I should do lunch at home later or wait for dinner out. Hmmm. See, when you are procrastinating to do things and pushing away important stuff on the agenda, you get this really warp sense of direction. VAL you need to focus on the urgent things and throw away everything else!

Slacked alot after that. Didn’t want to do much anyway.

I just remembered I need to buy stuff tomorrow. Bah. Lazy to get my ass moving.

Oh yeah, broke my toe nail today, bad shoes): Running shoes are just not meant for court play.

So on the list for tomorrow morning-

Marketing to get fish, vege etc for steamboat lunch with Aunty Jay and family. Awesome! I love steamboats.

Go to Nike to get 3 sport bras. Omg Going to spend a bomb.

Cross training shoes.

Write some list for Mr William.

Finally buy a DSLR camera. Yum. FINALLY.

Okay nevermind. Before I start writing about how emotionally strung I am, I like this song. Bye!: )

Lord of all creation
Of water, earth, and sky
The heavens are Your tabernacle
Glory to the Lord on High

God of wonders, beyond out galaxy
You are holy, holy
The universe declares Your majesty
You are holy, holy

Lord of heaven and earth (2X)

Early in the morning
I will celebrate the light
And as I stumble through the darkness
I will call Your name by night

God of wonders, beyond out galaxy
You are holy, holy
The universe declares Your majesty
You are holy, holy

Lord of heaven and earth (2X)

Hallelujah to the Lord of heaven and earth (3X)

God of wonders, beyond out galaxy
You are holy, holy
Precious Lord, reveal Your heart to me
Father holy, holy
The universe declares Your majesty
You are holy, holy, holy, holy

Hallelujah to the Lord of heaven and earth (6X)

Lord of heaven and earth
Lord of heaven and earth

Early in the morning
I will celebreate the light
and as I stumble through the darkness
I will call your name by night

God of wonders beyond our galaxy
You are holy, holy
The universe declares your majesty
You are holy, holy

Lord of heaven and earth
Lord of heaven and earth

halleluiah to the Lord of heaven and earth
halleluiah to the Lord of heaven and earth

God of wonders beyond our galaxy
You are holy, holy
Precious Lord reveal your heart to me
Father holy, holy

the universe declares your majesty
you are holy, holy, holy, holy

If I get another one today again, I’d probably start having ungodly thoughts with some curse words. So Lord, teach me to handle these in the right manner, to be gentle yet firm. I can’t be pushed and twirled like that. It’s damn irritating.

Mum’s not in town. Hope she’s doing fine in KL. I don’t know why I am worried for her, maybe due to the recent highlights in church and the fact that it’s really not what it seems that makes me concerned she’s treated as accordingly to how she should be. That’s why I’m staying on in India for another week at hydrabad. For her, specifically. I can’t change things, but I more than make for it with the numbers and just being present.

In this 21 days of prayer, I prayed for one thing specifically. When I prayed harder and with greater intensity, I saw visions and what I asked for the next day, came true. Scary. When I got distracted and tired or just plain lazy, I couldn’t feel it anymore. I love this 3 week prayer thing that has sort of kept me on my toes in prayer with God. I am sure the staff in church have put in alot of effort to set up the equipment and gather people everyday including monday for this event. I salute them. Father Lord, I have not wavered from what I asked for. I hope that Lord, you will see me through it and see to it. I have great faith in you father that what I asked for, will be given and blessed upon me. I am waiting patiently and with much anticipation, excitment and hope.

Thanks Father.

Sent a girl off at the airport. Eugenia. She’s going to Xining to teach English to children and adults for 3 whole months! Awesomely jealous.

Slacked yesterday, talked to Diane. Ah. Childhood friend. Decided to do a banana cake, corn meal(poleanta) cake, beer bread and brownies. Haha. 4 things at the same time. Did a taste test on my sister in the evening and she finished all the brownies I put in the container. Then again, assuming to say the brownies were the nicest is too one sided since both of us are suckers for good chocolate. Hehe. In this case it was Valrhona 75% Coaco. Yum.

I am definitely going to bring all the brownies and cakes to church today. I can’t risk leaving them at home because I’d eat up everything!! The problem is that I wouldn’t eat a piece of cake unless I know what exactly goes into my food. That’s why you’d never ever catch me eating pizza or pasta and basically anything that involves the chef frying- anything. outside. Never. They mix all these sauces, oil and salt together and you can never be sure of the proportions. They could add 5 tablespoons of oil and you wouldn’t know! Turn off. But if you DIY, you can exactly measure and weigh what you want to eat. So since I know what ingredients I added into my 4 creations yesterday, I would eat it all ): Furthermore, I cut down on the oil by half and used Olive oil instead of butter for Dad’s sake. He can actually eat the beer bread(only 4 tablespoons of Olive oil!) and banana bread( only 5 tablespoons of Olive oil!) Which is good cause he can hardly eat anything.

Anyway, had my usual oat, muslie and granola mix in for breakfast in savoury fish soup(14g, 70 kcal) plus 2 pieces of sushi (150 kcal), a pinch of banana cake and some bread(50kcal). Loves max. I’m a breakfast girl. Lunch would be fish soup and carrot juice. Dinner, YTF. Planning my meals ahead helps me make better food choices and not overeat. Used to be so strict with the portions, I’d even write down if I ate a spoonful of sambal chilli. Now, I don’t bother about these excess miscellaneous stuff.

Yeah, people keep asking me to start writing a book on weight loss and clean eating, since everyone has been asking how I lost 33 pounds or 15 kg in the last 3.5 years. Clean eating meaning consuming only whole, unprocessed foods and loads of complex carbos. I’m seriously in the wrong line. Banking is not me. I told my mum I wanted to be a nutritionist but she bulked at the idea. ): Okayyy.

Anyway, the problem with most of us(including me) is that we know what we should eat and what to avoid. But the temptation of killer foods like chicken rice, laska, carrot cake, 0verwhelms us and kills common sense because it is so readily available. People would probably hate me if I tell them, white bread is not bread or white rice is horrifying long term. But we really become what we eat.

An example, I ate loads of papaya and drank carrot juice everyday for a  few months at the end of last year. You know what happened?

My palms turned yellow due to the overload of beta carotene. http://www.whfoods.com/genpage.php?tname=nutrient&dbid=125

(Haha. My friend took this photo for comparison.)

Though not life threatening, you can see how foods can affect your body directly. (: Scary isn’t it.

Didn’t go for netball this morning. Woke up feeling like shit. Was supposed to bring dear grandmother to the doctors but decided that the maid would accompany her instead. I heaved a sigh of relief. I wasn’t in the mood for another round of some form of hoo haa. I want a quiet saturday afternoon.

Mum drove me to pick up the car from Pasir Ris Street 11 since I left it there yesterday night from cycling. Instintively knew I’d probably see that white slip of paper. Of course I did. Stupid fine. My first since passing driving. 5o bucks. Thankfully no demerit points which I’m more concerned about. 12 points is no small number to play around on the roads. Haha.

Breakfast at downtown east with the parents after that. Toast, coffee and eggs. Plus, stole a few greedy mouthfuls of mum’s nasi lemak. She left the crispy fish head there. What a waste right. Of course I relished it. That’s the best part.

Mrt-ed down to Suntec after that for the IT show. Jostled with the crowded for breathing space, with promoters thrusting pamplets into your face every few steps. Not really my cup of tea. Left 2 hours after browsing. Already knew what I wanted to get. But went to look-sie for fun. Went window shopping after that around Marina Square.

Mum picked me up and we headed for cell at Aunty Florence’s house. Managed to catch the last bit of Dr Tony Chi’s message on buddism. Interesting.

Wanted dinner since I skipped lunch. Headed to NUSS Honjin somewhere in Adam… Hot pot was shiok. Give me a bowl of Japanese rice, cabbage, carrots, mushrooms, salmon in a hot steaming vegan broth and some soya sauce and I’d be a happy girl. Very easy to please. I’m that simple. Right.

Went home to take a nap, picked my sister up and tada. Here I am, typing away on my old rusty Fujitsu Lifebook which I’ll probably bid farewell to in a few hours time. Mum was like, “You went to the IT show and didn’t buy the laptop??!!” Yeah I know, wasted time since I now have to go back tomorrow to get it.

What a freak for the social reclusiveness in my life. I need a life. This ain’t it.

I detest smokers. Period.

Anyway joker. What a joke. What a fool.

Prayer meeting yesterday. Highlife Anchoring.

The last two times I went, Elder Lau and Chye Aik prayed for the gift of tongue. It is awesome that the church is united in the same way of communication to God, using the same means and when everyone is on the same wavelength, we can feel the energy together as one body. But then, I want to remind everyone, tongues is only a way of communicaition, one of the mediums of talking. Not the way. Many people forget this aspect and think it is a neccessity to use tongues. No it’s not and it’s perfectly fine if you feel uncomfortable with it. In addition, you don’t have to wait for the gift of tongues. If you choose to use it today, you open your mouth and speak. If you choose not to use it today, you keep quiet. It”s that simple. Don’t let anyone coerce you into thinking you are one level down just because you choose not to speak it.

This is also a reminder to myself, knowing how much Riverlife is into moving in the spirit through tongues.

Yesterday, I let go. I totally let go and it was a humbling experience because I was reminded that, putting a barrier means He cannot enter. I had this tangible feeling that I had clutch my own heart with my hands and there was no pathway for him to enter. I refused my own God, becuase of the distractions that I have right now. I have lost focus and direction, grabbing everything with my dear life that I think will be good for me, not consulting Him first. Double fool. It’s so messy.

I don’t know how I will continue from here but I think, havng quiet time right with God again is the first step. I have screwed that for a few months. I am ashamed.

Don’t give up on me Father..

Thus I sit at my office desk, staring stoically at the screen, armed with a regular fucking cup of coffee bean strong black. Sucks. It sucks, The coffee sucks. With 3 teaspoons of skim milk and a dash of coaco powder, it would suck. Fuck. The angsty black coffee is staring back at me. I hate the cup. I hate the colour. I hate the taste. I hate bad grammar.

Yesterday, in the mundane shit of life, reality sunk in. ):

Okay anyway. CNY is coming and I’m totally wishing it will not. Going through the stupid ritual of visiting once-in-the-year relatives has no added value and I don’t see the point. I hate the superficiality of having to greet seniors with silly terms that I don’t understand myself, act all polite and smiley when all I’m thinking is, “Can I not waste my bloody time?”

Even the thickness of the ang-bao doesn’t entice me anymore. It used to, when I was younger, getting all excited and jumpy about receiving cold hard cash. I would run to the toilet and tear open the paper immediately when I got a nice stack, with my cousins. I’ve never spent a cent of my ang pao money anyway. So I’ve never really had the joy of bringing a stack of cash and getting a some big item at the store.

Plus. Reunion dinners at Tua Pei’s house has been a thing of the past for the last 4 years since he passed on. He was kinda like the pivoting point of the family and why the family still met for new year eve dinners. Ah ma would travel down all the way from Seletar Hills to Lorong Ah Soo and stay overnight at his house, mind you, lacking the comfort of her own familiarity, since you know how it is with old people. They don’t like changes, even for a day. But she did it for the sake of her beloved son. So, the month he died, in December, we didn’t have the dinner in jan that year and it has continued like that for the last few years. Do I miss the gatherings? Not really. Since the small talk mainly revolved around which kid was studying where and future plans for the children. Yes, it was substantially about the children. How intellectual could it get anyway? What I missed was, or is, the fact that people have an extended family to have a nice gathering with on the eve of cny, while mine IS NEVER ON THE EVE…

I’m sounding so pathetic, but the date matters. It’s supposed to be on the eve right? Not the 6, or 7 or whatever date of FEB, 2010. This year we are going japanese. Good food, weird company.

shall continue later. .

It’s been ages since I came here to write. More like, I write something only to close the top right hand corner with the ‘X’ sign because midway, I don’t see the point to continue. And that’s how I’m seeing my life right now.

A more apt description would be…

Half Complete.

I am lacking any sort of motivation, determination and anything that goes through my thumbs are lustre-void.

Why.

I want one thing.

HOW~

So now I  have to BUY A TV? Hahaha. Parents say.. We need to get an LCD screen and link it. Dad wanted to buy the huge projector so that the whole wall can project the thing. Sounds fun eh.

Work again.. in 3 hours. Tell me I can do it. Tell me I can face the world. Tell me I can face you.

Alright, I’ve made a promise to run tonight and I had better fulfill it.

ECP tonight at 9pm. (:

Oh yes, Finally. I bought a gamin GPS for the car yesterday for 445. The huge ass one because I know my bak chiu ta stamp and I’m afraid I can’t see the directions. It’s damn good if not a little distracting. Ahhh. I ‘love’ my new gadget.

VAL!!!!!!! WHY!

Agh. Anyway, it’s been continuous eating for the last one week. Saturday’s 20km walk was effective because I burned enough not to put on weight, though I was going more than maintanence. I am wishing there’ll be another event for me not to give excuses to not run. That’s why, I am totally looking forward to sundown next year. But in the meantime, I need to occupy myself with another one so I don’t feel so lost. Yes, when I can’t see what I’m running for in training, I lose motivation and direction and I’d feel like shit.

So, if there are any December or January runs (Which I know is unlikely, tell me!)

Yesterday, while waiting for my cheesecake to bake, I squatted in front of the fan, in the most tak- glam position, come on, I’m at home. But I didn’t know my sister had a friend come for a stay over. HAHA. I was pretty embarrassed and she was like, “Thankfully I left the camera in the bag.”

Her name is Talia and my family is in love with her. I know my parents really like her alot. Well mannered, articulate and a really good girl, a DAUGHTER IN LAW TO DIE FOR.

Oh yes, thanks Chua for helping me with the cheesecake! ((:

Okay anyway, mum bought a Canon Power Shot G11 recently. I just don’t understand why she likes to buy big and heavy cameras. Those you know, really bulky black ones that you can attach the zoom zoom thing in front. I’ve been telling her I want a camera that can fit SNUGLY in the hangbag. But it never becomes reality. Nevermind, that’s how it is with camera fanatics. Not really professional, but not amateur either. This suits her fine, but gives me headache. I am clueless which icon to turn to. 80, 100, 200 all the way to 3,200… You know what this is? The only thing I’m not griping is that, the memory space is not bad. 8GB.

I’m thinking of being late for work later, since anyway the Tuesday morning meeting has been shifted to 1030 am instead of 0830 and seriously, my workload doesn’t entail me to rush for anything. So there’s no point jostling with the morning crowd. Mum’s gonna drive me there later. Righttt. She didn’t sleep the whole of last night. I wonder if I should just go on my own. I don’t want her to crash the car… too. Haha.

I hate food. I absolutely abhore it. Yet I keep munching and eating and eating. ): Fuck. I’ve put on 1.5 kilos. At this rate. I think I’ll be 5 kg heavier. Omg. No way.

Calories- 1103, Carbohydrates- 137g, Fat-25.5g for the day

You may think this is very well within the limit, but my lack of activity( I’ve not been exercising) and recent food history would very well put me on  a hell journey to weight gain. My BMR states that, at 19, with a height of 160 and I shall not disclose the weight, I should be getting 1600 calories a day for maintanence, 250g carbs and about 56g fat, but since 24October, I’ve been on a calorie deficit of 800, if technically we follow the right amount, I’ve been doing 800 calories, 85g carbs and 20g fat for the last 2 months. I lost, 6.5kg in 2 months. This means that any extra calories, carbs or fat I stuff myself with would result in weight gain, even if I eat within my calorie group.

My food intake for the day-

I screwed up my metabolic rate after the 42km run which I regret like freaking hell. I doubled the calorie intake the day before and kinda let go. Before the run I was 51 and I ate enough to put on 1 kg in one day-52. Went on a food rampage after that. Just a side note, if any normal person would to eat what I ate in the last 1-2 weeks, he or she wouldn’t put on any weight. It’s because of my recent food history in the last 2 months that’s causing the mess. Also, if you look at the day’s food intake, it’s pretty much void of oil and meat. I don’t eat junk, don’t avocate junk and so, don’t have a problem with junk food. I can skip the chips and fries, no problem.

What does this show too? That even with foods that are supposedly good and nutritious can also lead to weight gain. Sheesh. I can feel the weight creeping up. Even without weighing myself, my thighs hurt, my arms hurt, like skin tearing kinda feeling. This means I’m either losing or gaining. Of course in this case, it’s gaining. Then, I weigh myself and see the weight shoot up like a rocket. 2KG since 6 december 09. Today is the 13? In one week, 2 kg! 3500 calories= to 1 pound, which is about half a kilo. I’ve eaten an excess of 14,000 calories to put on this amount of weight. Don’t tell me it’s water retention, I don’t buy that cause of the amount of food I’ve been eating.

I have a 50km walk next week and I hope to get back on the bandwagon. I can’t screw up my life like that.  Fuck I know the numbers and how much I should be putting in, yet I don’t follow. Sighs.

42.129km. YES. All the way(:

Look at Lee’s thighs!!!!!!

Next one: Adidas Sundown Marathon, May 29 2010! (:

I think I’m gonna put on weight. ):

Anyway. I hate to read. But I’ve recently bought a book ‘Becoming Madame Mao’ by Anchee Min. Heard it was a good book. I’ve finally took it out of the borders plastic bag after 2 weeks. So I’m gonna start reading and hopefully I’ll be able to finish it by this week.

I think my maid’s damn poor thingg.

I am here only because I putting onto paper what has been stinging like nettle in recent times. I am basically at the point of disconcertment and perplexity which clouds my mind on how people can be so skin- thicked. I could be nice enough, I would still do it, because I’m not the kind of person who would leave things hanging in mid-air. But don’t expect me to continue to think in the same way. I am brunt here now. I am freaking tired of bending backwards for people to the point of my own expense and they can think it’s their right to do so, by riding on the generosity of others. Give a kid some candy and he would want more. Extend a hand to someone only to find them stepping right up to you, almost right on top of you, wanting more. I feel very made use of. Don’t be my friend to get something out of me, don’t be my friend so that I could be of some benefit to you. Don’t hurt me like that. I take a long time to actually realise the intentions of characters. Blame me and the point of giving the benefit of the doubt all the time, giving reasons for the actions or inactions of others. It’s really terrible when I have to constantly look behind my back with people I could actually trust, fending off glibness, imposture, insincerity and irreverence of people from sincerity. I am weary of people now. Very Weary.

Corporate restructuring sucks. Politick-ing sucks. Contact lens sucks.

Stroke sucks. Food sucks. Insincerity sucks. Losing of things suck.

Work’s fine. If I was clearer with the steps and procedures, I would propbably get really impatient, which in fact, I am starting to get because the pace of this place could actually drive me up the wall. Did I just say that? Tomorrow and the day after would be the two most difficult days because, all the customer service people whom the relationship managers like to throw work to will not be in the office. Friday’s the best. All 4 of us will not be in. It’s definitely a sunnnny day.

Fuck. I hate myself for eating at such a late hour. Where’e the self control val. Bread and beans only aid in weight gain.

Dad came back from Hai nan dao on sunday, only to fly to manila this afternoon. Mum and sis are only back on wednesday. Thought they were coming back today and I kinda panicked when they were still not back at 1.30am.

The replacement car came today. It looks good. Offwhite leather seats with a midnight blue exterior. Bummer. I would have prefered that. Haha.

My sleep patterns and metabolism rate are screwed big time. Damn it.

I SIGNED UP FOR CHURCH CAMP.

Okay this is absolutely ground breaking to me. Of course. The last one was good, but I hope this one would be even better. Yes it’s going to beeeee. Charmaine and I got screwed in megalife. Scarred for life. Definitely we want to prove that it’s not that bad. It’s good. The people have come and gone. The system has changed. We’ll give it another shot.

Thursday nights are good, fridays even better. I’m thinking of holidays already. Hahaha.

Strange how what I’ve always known has turned from just paper facts to tangibility. I hate the fact that life is that harsh.. cruel and unforgiving. It’s very straightfoward, no holds barred, right smacked in your face. The only people in life who will offer you second chances is your family, who will do things for you unconditionally, no questions asked. If you don’t love your family, who will?